can i just start off by saying that blogging was much easier with only one kid.
keeping up with the memories and remembering to bust out the camera every now and then was a lot easier when i was able to shower more than twice a week and and fixing myself a meal before 2 pm wasn't unheard of.
3 boys in 3 years is no joke. i'm exhausted.
i feel like my brain is just running without me sometimes. answering the "yes, i'll get you a drink" while interjecting "please keep your feet off of the baby" without even thinking twice about it.
this is the time in my life that everyone says i need to cherish. the days that my babies need me and want me are fleeting so i shouldn't take them for granted.
that advice is great because i need the perspective. seriously, when i'm wearing spit up and not caring, having family pajama days...everyday and walking on sticky floors it's hard to remember i'm supposed to enjoy this stuff and it helps me to remember the days will come when i will wish these days back.
hard to believe that now, but i know that day will come.
but i think it's also ok to admit that some times i just cry.
days where it's 6:00 and i'm still trying to get dinner on the table. drew is working late. the baby is crying needing to nurse, so i'm dishing the boys up one handed while aaron eats. the boys refuse to eat. they are crying and whining and keep getting down from the table. i talk, correct, discipline to no avail. the crying gets louder. caleb takes the opportunity to pee his pants. i leave my crying baby in his bouncy seat to change caleb's pants and come back to spilled milk on the table. and instead of washing his hands in the bathroom, judah grabs the air freshener and rubs it all over himself and the sink.
and then i just start crying. because really, what is there left to do? i'm out of words. my prayer at that moment is just "jesus. help me."
and me crying freaks my kids out and they start crying.
and times that my patience is worn completely and i yell...which i hate.
and times that i forget that my kids are in fact kids and i forget to show them grace and mercy and understanding when they need it most. i treat them like they should know better and should behave according to such and such standard and in a timely manner, thank you.
and when i lay in bed at night i wonder if i did anything but nag them all day. i wonder if they had any fun, or any good memories to take from our day together and worrying that tomorrow will be the same thing. i wonder if they'll wake in the morning resenting me for all my sinful grossness that comes through in my bad moments...but they never do.
i think it's ok to admit that some days are not as good as others. and i think it's ok to tell God that you need help and his perspective for your kids. because i think we lose sight of that too often...at least i do, anyway.
God's mercies are new every morning so, thankfully, i don't have to live the same way i did yesterday which means i can forget about that nursing woman crying at the dinner table because her kids wouldn't eat her pinterest recipe stroganoff, apologize to my boys for having a bad attitude and we can move forward. i can learn and grow and be a better mom to them for it.
so here is me telling you that i'm looking at my life and not really liking what i see all the time and i'm asking God to mold me into the momma he created me to be in the first place. not that crazy person who shows up here a few times a week.
